Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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