Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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