dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize