I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
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