please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
