It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
