I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize