If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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