i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
