Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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