My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
