one two three fourrrrnication!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
