youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize