I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize