Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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