If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
