Im at strip club and am horny
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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