Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
