Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
