I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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