he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
