Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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