just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I looked at my own cervix.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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