Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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