i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
