His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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