Apparently you make a good broom.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
