My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
