I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
