I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
