We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
