My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
