I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
