I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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