My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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