the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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