he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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