This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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