apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
