I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
