my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
