Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
