Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you would pick up someone in the library
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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