Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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