I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Randomize
