i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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