girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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