My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
