the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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