Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
