I'm gonna have a badass scar
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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