Non-Jews are for practice
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
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