She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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