Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
