the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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