Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
