bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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