I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
