Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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